Prison From The Inside

“Hurt people hurt people” a harrowing quote from ‘Pat’, a female participant in last night’s second episode of ‘Prison From The Inside’ on BBC1 Northern Ireland –

There were several times when I had tears running down my cheeks after these two one hour episodes. Pat’s story was one that is indicative of nearly all female prisoners in the UK. It starts from some sort of physical, domestic and or sexual abuse. Pat has been in and out of jail for over thirty years and she describes how she changed ‘inside’ after being raped and how drink, used to fill her emptiness turned her into a violent lunatic. As a society we see people like Pat, male and female on or streets every day but do we ever take a step back and consider why they are like that. “You could drive a bus through the emptiness inside me” is one of the most powerful and emotive comments I have ever heard in all my years of studying criminology and prisons.

I’ve purposefully been putting off writing a blog for a while as there’s a lot going on in my life at the minute (all positive) and in the world of criminal justice, prisons et al. It’s sometimes hard to take it all in but if one was to do a thematic analysis on media and academic coverage on prisons at the present there are a few repetitive themes. Self harm, suicide, mental health, drugs, assault on prison staff and prisoners (in prison) and prison is a dumping ground for the failings of society.

I know the officials who participated in this programme and they too are of a common view that prison is not the solution for the social inadequacies in present society. One of the more frightening comments made by one of the officials referred to the fact that punishment beatings and shootings by paramilitaries does not deter car thieves and anti social behaviour. After all, being realistic, one would expect a good kicking to be a deterrent. If this social norm in Northern Irish society, outside the parameters of law, doesn’t work then why on earth as a society do we sit back and expect people to be cured via a stint in prison?

Paradoxically, many of the participants suggested that they wised up in prison, had grown up and taken the time to realise that their lives didn’t have to be the way they were. One guy said he was simply ‘sick of it’. Another said he was ‘drug free’. How can this be in a place full of drugs and violence?

In my humble opinion it’s all to do with the individual and the help and support being there if they want it. ‘Being on this wing is a bit less manic than the committals’. It takes strength and courage to stand out from the crowd and more importantly to call your ‘self’ to rights. Most prison wings are manic but there is always one that offers some sort of stability once one has jumped through the institutional hoops to get there. But why does this have to be done in prison and at a much greater cost to the taxpayer when there are solutions out there.

I know there are people out there who are working behind the scenes to get these solutions introduced to Northern Ireland (and the UK). Here’s a short video of a tried and tested incentive that has reduced prison populations in America, reduced crime in the community and saves the taxpayer a fortune ‘bang for buck’ as this man calls it. I received an email from Judge Bobby three weeks ago and he is happy to come over here and talk to our politicians and judiciary.

texan judge robert francis

Judge Francis – Texas

Michael Gove attended Judge Bobby’s court but we all know what happened there. Perhaps that’s where the problem really lies. Our so called government is a sham and that’s all I’m saying on the matter.

It was really strange seeing the footage of guys walking up and down ‘The Phase’ at Magilligan. Listening to the electronic alarms of gates opening and closing. The toughest thing for me was seeing the inside of the cell again. It brought back so many memories. Constant lack of sleep and mental breakdowns caused by night checks, the loneliness, the isolation and the regret. In a perverse sort of way I look forward to going back and helping others even though at the time “My emptiness was so deep you could have drove a bus through it”.

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What Is Hope?

“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption. One of the best, if not the best, movies I’ve ever watched. Think I know it off by heart now I’ve seen it so many times.

Hope. What is hope? The Oxford Dictionary describes one of the elements of hope as “Grounds for believing that something good may happen.” For me, it’s always been about this. I now finally have a release date for my book. It’s only taken me ten years.

“My Life Began At Forty” 1st of May 2017.

My Book Cover

A story of hope

The day has finally arrived and I simply hope that people will buy it and it might help folk have a better understanding of the hidden life behind the high walls of the institution of prison. I’ll not say it’s been a long hard battle because it hasn’t. I’ve enjoyed writing and recording the shenanigans of prison life and for me it allowed me expel on to the page anger, frustration, fear, joy and hope. Cathartic is a good word to describe it.

I haven’t written a blog this year for a number of reasons but for the life of me I can’t remember what they are at this particular moment in time. I suppose it’s really been that since my editor Matt Vidler of L.R Price Publications replied to my first tentative email, just before Christmas, my feet haven’t really touched the ground since.

I’ve had some great days and nights out with my fantastic friends who I am literally indebted to for supporting me through this mad stage of my weird and wonderful life. As many of you know I’ve been on the radio a few times and I thought that appearing on the Victoria Derbyshire show with my friend Mick Horn was a defining moment. Not true. It was only the start.

Mick came true on his promise and came to Belfast to have a pint with me. Something we had promised each other way back in HMP Rye Hill in 2008. Our friendship has stood the testament of time, like all true friendships do, but to see this man walking into the arrivals hall at Belfast International Airport blew me away. To see Mick laugh and share stories with Dad, Mum and friends in Belfast bars was simply brilliant. We had more than one pint by the way. Cheers Mick many more to come my friend.

I’d just got my breath back and another friend arrives in Belfast for the first time. My mate Mark from South Africa. Mark was the last person I spoke to on my last night of freedom. I was in a Jacuzzi with two dusky maidens, a bottle of Jack and big fat Cuban cigar. Twenty Four hours later I was lying on the floor, throwing up, in a cell at Gatwick Airport. Again, it was fantastic to hook up again with another true friend.

And, it’s not over yet! I’m off to London tomorrow to hook up with British Convict Criminology, Shadd Maruna and Pete White more friends more laughter amid the serious business of academia. Tomorrow night I’m off to The Cavern in Wimbledon to see one of the best bands on the planet ‘Paddy Goes To Holyhead’ and reunite with my old mate Danny Hynes along with Jim Scanlon, Greg and Danielle from Cape Town and I’m sure we’ll be bumping into many more old friends from way back in the days of The Swan Fulham Road and The Redback in Acton. Saturday, I’m meeting up with Russell and Matt my publishers and cannot wait. I’ll not say what’s happening next week as it hasn’t been announced yet but watch this space.

I’d a funny feeling things would start to come together. The stuff I have lined up for the future? Well let’s just say – it looks like I’m going to be a busy little bee. Red said ” Hope is a dangerous thing my friend, it can kill a man…” for me I’m not buying it, I will never, ever give up on hope, my dreams are coming true.

I’ll leave you with a message from my publishers –

Hi Guys,
I’m Michael’s publisher. A lot of people are asking about the book and when it is going to be released, how they can buy it and where and we are also getting loads of interest about the crowdfunder page.

First of all let me say that myself and everyone at L.R. Price Publications are massively proud of Michael Irwin and all that he has achieved, his story is inspirational which is why we are publishing it.

Release date 1st May 2017

Thank you to everyone who has pledged so far on crowdfunder.
But why have we used crowdfunder?

Crowdfunding is a great way to raise awareness and publicity of a product before it is launched and to get it launched quickly. And this book needs to be published as soon as possible.

If we raised the funding to publish the book the traditional way with bankers and boardrooms, like we have done in the past. We’d spend more time writing and editing finance agreements then we would on the book.

And this is not just another book. It needs to be published now.

Not only that but we wanted this book to be something special. Which is why if you contribute using the crowd funder page, you can even have your name listed as a contributor to the book.

So when your have your copy in your hands, when you have it on your book shelf and when you see it in your local library or book shop your name will be in the printed acknowledgements / credits in the book. We think that is something really special.

Of course if you just want to contribute to crowd funder page to get the book for cheaper or to save postage costs or to save having to buy the eBook seperateley, thats great! You’re still contributing to this great book.

Really this book is as much a part of its readers as it is of Michael.

So thank you everyone for all of your support and we hope you enjoy reading.

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Resetting The Prison Clock

Never listen to a Scotsman before going to bed! Thank you @TheTartanCon for resetting my prison clock. I say this in jest of course but as usual the topic of discussion is nothing to laugh about. This blog is really a follow up to afore mentioned phenomenological and heartfelt blog. If you haven’t already read it do so now –

So, here we are at 5.00am a time that used to be my favourite time of the day. Then, like now I’d sit and listen to the pipes crackle as the morning bite was nipped from the air. I’d sit under a desk lamp and write. It might have been a poem, a bit of creative writing, a letter or a good old Open University Tutor Marked Assignment (TMA). I sometimes miss those mornings. I sat under a desk lamp with pen and paper, way back then. Now I sit in front of a laptop with access to all sorts of disreputable information. I’ve got @TheTartanCons blog open and will go through it for the fifth time and use it to add a bit more grist to the mill.

The recent white paper is complete diatribe. I remember reading another one back in the day and thought to myself what a load of tosh. With tosh in mind I draw your attention to NOMS Strategic Business Plan 2012 I don’t need to say any more on the subject but you are more than welcome to make comments to which I will gladly reply.

In November 2007 I was standing in my cell doorway having a fag when I was approached by an officer who said “Hey Mickey, you’re one of the more sensible ones. I’m putting your name down for a meeting in the Chapel next week.” I agreed to the poor delusional child. Me sensible! God, if only he knew. So, a week later I’m escorted to the Chapel to meet Captains of Industry and people from The Howard League for Penal Reform. Who the hell are they I thought to myself. I was warmly greeted at the door by a lovely lady with a an even lovelier smile. Her name was Frances. I didn’t have a clue who she was. Frances escorted me to table where a few men and women where already seated. I was introduced to Lord Carlisle and a Lady Called Pauline Campbell. Pauline asked me “why are you here?” I nonchalantly replied “Why are you here?” Pauline replied “My daughter committed suicide in prison and I’m here to make a difference.” I still feel my stomach turn as I recall this. I felt like a complete and utter bastard. However, what it did do was straighten my back and make me sit up and pay attention. I apologised immediately and after a brief intro by Lord Carlisle the discussions began. Pauline and I chatted about issues and what we could do to change lives. We kept in touch via letters and Pauline sent me a few books. I was then sentenced and moved to HMP Rye Hill. My stomach turned again, and I was physically sick as I read the headline “Prisons: A Mother’s Pain That Was Too Much To Bear” Meeting this beautiful human being changed my life forever. My arrogance was gone, this was not a game any more, this was real. Sometimes, more often than one would think, I get quite despondent about this whole prison malarkey. When I do I think of why I started to take an interest in what goes on in our prisons. I’ve written to Frances on several occasions over the years and always received a reply. This is only one pivotal moment behind why I write and share my experiences of prison.

In or around the same time I started to read a prison magazine called Inside Time. Amid the rants and raves contained therein was a monthly Blog by a guy called Ben Gunn. I looked forward with trembling anticipation to each of his monthly blogs. Here was a guy, a serving prisoner smuggling his words out of prison and sharing them on social media. What Ben did was, stir me even more to write, to share my words, my feelings, my emotions and my experiences with anyone who would listen. I used to roar with laughter and admiration as what he was producing was pure genius. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

One of Ben’s recent tweets hit home with me yet again. It hinted at the reasons why he/I/we bloggers and tweeters do what we do. It concerned the story of a young man who was not allowed out (under escort) to see his dying mum. TheTartanCon is a hundred percent correct in suggesting that each and every guy on the wing would have gladly taken a day’s lock up to enable this young man to see his mother. Like many of us who have served lengthy sentences will tell you. This is not an isolated incident. I’ve seen it in each and every prison I’ve frequented. I sat and listened to staff and prisoners vent their frustrations at the in-credulousness of the rigour that the institution of prison will maintain under these (compassionate) circumstances. Many of you have commented on this and how this young man will get over it. He won’t. He never will. Nor will I.

I simply cannot put into words how I feel about the people who make these decisions. The last experience of it was my own. Not my Mother, but a dear friend Mike Moloney (head of the Prison Arts Foundation here in Northern Ireland) died in April 2013. Two months before my release. I had used up my home leaves, had been out on temporary release for fourteen days in the previous six months yet they would still not let me attend his funeral. An officer even volunteered to come in on his day off, take me there and bring me back. Phone calls were made but to no avail. The reason being – not immediate family. Three weeks later I was in open conditions and allowed out at weekends.

Yesterday, I listened in part to a local radio show on the crisis in our prisons. One caller, alleged to be a Christian, suggested that prisoners lived a life of luxury. In all the name of what’s holy! What bloody planet do this people live on? Where is the compassion. Another caller suggested that victims of crime would be furious at tougher community sentences and that problem solving courts were a stupid idea. When I co facilitated a Victim Impact Programme in prison, to my surprise, I discovered that most victims simply do not want the same thing to happen to someone else. Restorative Justice being a perfect example of this. I have found compassion in prison like you would not believe. Some of my best friends are people with conviction. I do hope the irony is not lost here.

Conviction is what us twitterers and bloggers have. Motivation is what we have. Not only from people who have served time but others who have worked in the institution. As I started this blog I was sharing private messages with a prison officer. I’ve shared the odd pint with prison staff. Oh, no I haven’t. I think there’s some sort of rule that prison staff must report any encounter with a person who has been to prison. I keep harping on about the fact that the institution of prison is designed to keep us and them apart. Never the twain shall meet. It’s farcical. How can prison staff ever have job satisfaction in knowing that someone who used to be under their care has done well or has stayed away from trouble because of something that officer did to help them during their stay? I’ll never forget the TV Documentary where Natalie Atkinson met up with the local bobby outside a shopping centre. I think he mentioned he had wrestled her to the ground at the spot they were standing. Natalie now has a Masters degree. An inspiration to all Natalie.

We do need change and we need it now. Our so called ‘United Kingdom’ has let us down. Our system is flawed. I recall a story a Governor from here told me when he met his counterpart from Norway at a conference. They were both in agreement. They could not understand their respective countries approach to prisons and criminal justice. Norway has one of the lowest recidivism rates in Europe. We have the highest. We as in a civilised UK adhere to revenge and retribution. Scandinavian society adheres to understanding the individual needs of its flawed citizens. Under this government we have gone from reducing funding for prisons and staff to a complete U-turn and investing more money in prisons and staff. I mean really. Are we that bloody stupid? Why do we put up with this? I say we form our own party. People who have been to prison and people who have worked in it. Hypothetically if every prisoner had a vote 85,000 today, and at least two family members voted that’s 170,000 if my education (paid for by prison) is correct, then multiply that by every person who has served since this government took power… I know it’s only a dream. The only thing we can do is help change people’s mindsets. If we stick together and keep building, challenging, blogging, writing, talking to officials and holding people accountable we can make a difference.

It’s nearly unlock time and I’m off to the gym.

As good old Oscar Wilde said ” When first I was put into prison some people advised me to try and forget who I was.  It was ruinous advice.  It is only by realising what I am that I have found comfort of any kind.  Now I am advised by others to try on my release to forget that I have ever been in a prison at all.  I know that would be equally fatal […] To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development.  To deny one’s own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one’s own life.  It is no less than a denial of the soul.”

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A Waiting Game

The problem with doing Sudarshan Kryia (breathing technique) and mediation on a daily basis is that I don’t get angry any more. A fortnight past, I spent the weekend assisting with the Art of Living Happiness Programme in Belfast. This was not the first time I’ve been an assistant. I did Prison Smart way back in 2008 in HMP Highdown and assisted there. Unfortunately my transfer came through, I was shipped out and they don’t have Prison Smart in Northern Ireland Prisons so I was unable to continue. However, this weekend brought me back to the place I most belong and the place I find true peace and happiness. It’s called the self.

To sit and watch other people experiencing happiness through a simple breathing technique is pure bliss. I just smiled as they recount how they are feeling and the transformation that’s taking place from within as I know exactly what they are going through. A parting gift for my endeavours was the book “Celebrating Silence” by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar and I can’t wait to get stuck into it.

With this in mind and me not being angry, I’d like to address the events of the past few weeks. As we are all well aware, there has been a sharp rise in deaths in custody across the UK Prison Estate. There have been disturbances in several prisons, HMP Bedford the most recent, another two death in HMP Maghaberry, the prison officers strike in England and Wales, a pending strike here in Northern Ireland, Lizz Truss the Justice Secretary rehashing old rhetoric and Michael Gove’s speech at the Longford Trust last night.

The Twittersphere has gone mad since Sunday when #PrisonStorm @PrisonStorm created an open debate on the state of our prisons. What on earth do I know about prisons in England and Wales? June 2007 – March 2009, HMP’s Lewes, Brixton, Rye Hill, Highdown a nights stay in Catford nick, a night in Woodhill and a weekend in Forest Bank (last two on transfer back to NI to serve my remaining four years in Maghaberry and Magilligan). So, I’m well situated to have a phenomenological voice or epistemological privilege alongside several others who shall remain nameless at this stage (you know who you are).

I followed every link to every newspaper article, TV report and Radio Broadcast, listening to Alex Cavendish and Dr David Scott, watching Jonathan Robinson (class interruption – breaking news…) and reading Ben Gunn just to name a few. I’m not sure what triggered it but a sentence somewhere pissed me off, think it was a newsreader and went to check my memories. Oh yeagh, got it, there was an illegal prison officers strike in 2007. That was the day I started writing my book ‘Life Begins At Forty’ (Shameless Plug). I won’t share any more of it as it’s at the publishers at present and they might get miffed if I blog it all. Anyway, what struck me the most was that the staff numbers had not been reduced yet. The general consensus is that these cuts in staffing levels started six years ago. Yet, back then in 2007 – 2008 all the same things that are happening now where happening then as in: 23hr bang up, controlled unlocks, not enough staff on wings, drugs, lack of purposeful activity, rise in violence, phones and drugs… Need I go on?

I’ve always maintained prison is a sham. It serves no purpose in a modern democratic society… Ah, I think I’ll have to stop there as democratic society would entail that we actually belong to one and god forbid that I’d want to get into politics. Having said that I did follow and read most of what is being said by politicians on prisons (some of it just goes in one ear and out the other as we’ve heard it all before) and enjoyed what Michael Gove said about IPP’s, Early Release For Good Behaviour and Problem Solving Courts. Problem Solving Courts are not his idea of course as he had to go to Texas to see Judge Robert Francis in action. The good Judge started these courts way back in 2006 and I do believe that some prisons in Texas have actually closed due to lack of clientele. Just sayin like.

I’ve had a few media interviews myself about deaths in custody and the general state of our prisons and I have to say that I’m not surprised at one of the statements made on Twitter suggesting that it would all blow over soon enough. And there we have it in a nutshell. I remember talking to an old wounded and battered veteran Principal Officer way back in 2008. I asked him about some new directive or policy that had been implemented. He said ‘Mickey boy, you got a lot to learn. What we do is we sit back and wait. Another Government will come in and change it all soon enough and then we’ll all be back to normal again. It’s all a waiting game’.

Prison is a staus qou (sorry fellow rockers) the equilibrium of ‘us and them’ must be maintained. Hot potatoes will be caught and dropped and left to rot. However, what I am feeling and sensing is that there are a quite few old dogs like me who will not be going away. Who will not go away. My opening tweet #PrisonStorm was “more ex prisoners with university qualifications should be employed in prison and criminal justice?” After all, they paid for it. So, why can’t people like me get a job in it? I/we have the correct qualifications, if not more and lived experience. Prison is an industry. What Industry does not employ people with first-hand experience and knowledge of said industry? A failed one. I hear talk of a Prison Reform Task Force? I’ll certainly be putting my name forward.

I hope some of this has made sense. I must head out now and get on with life and go for a wee stroll round the park. On my way back from the shop this morning I saw Six Magpies sitting on a wall next to my house. I’ll leave you with my first ever poem funny how I’m free now yet feel as if the whole prison malarkey is still stuck in the same place. To be continued…

Six Magpies
By Michael Irwin
HMP Highdown 2008

The sun sets behind the naked trees of winter
and a soft, hypnotic glow fills my room.
The air, cold but not quite freezing
Fills me with a quiet pleasure,
the pleasure of being alive.

I count six magpies sitting on the
Dark grey mass of the prison wall.
Like me, they are surrounded by
Barbed wire and fencing,
Yet they are free.

I think, ‘how often in your life
Do you see six magpies at the same time?’
The rhyme says ‘six for gold seven for a secret
Never to be told.’
I feel as if I have to let you into a little secret.

I have travelled half way round the world,
partying and having a ball. When I came
to prison, I wanted to die. I should have
already been dead; I was living a lie.
It is only now when I breathe in the air
I realise I was never really there.

A lady taught me how to breathe
Through Sudarshan Kriya .
I had been searching for something
To set me free most of my adult life.
Who would believe that one could
be set free in prison?
I have lost my guilt, my shame,
My pain and my angst.

My metal door has just been locked
With a resounding metallic thud and
The shouts and roars of men in prison
Fade slowly into the background.
It’s now deadly silent and I sit and smile
As the sun sets with its bright golden glow,
A glow I can feel in my heart.

I can rest my head and dream at last
Because I know this day has nearly passed.
I know it’s this glow that keeps me warm
And I know it’ll be there tomorrow

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The Fear of Logic

This gallery contains 3 photos.

Originally posted on micsirwin:
“There were times in my life, when I was going insane, trying to get through, the pain…” Lyrics from “Amazing” by Aerosmith. My pain was not only what I’d done to myself but to those close…

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The Tip Of The Iceberg

Over the past few days and weeks I’ve been reading about suicide, death and chaos in UK Prisons. This obviously saddens me deeply and it’s often quite difficult to build up the strength and courage to revisit the institution of prison. I’ve just finished reading TheTartanCon and Alex Cavendish’s recent blogs on suicide in prison (there are others). They deliver more recent facts and figures and share harrowing first hand experiences so I won’t get into facts and figures now. What a want to do is look a bit deeper. I’ll attempt to do this succinctly as possible

I’ve written several blogs on suicide in and after prison as it was originally my idea to pursue a PhD on the subject. Unfortunately I lost hope and was indeed warned about what I was going to embark on. Is it a good idea for a person who experienced suicide, death and chaos to share their knowledge with the powers that be and the general public? Well, yes of course it is. This is how we gain knowledge and learn from our mistakes. Mistake is an important word here and I’ll revisit it later.

Firstly, I think it’s necessary to understand what the institution of prison is. The institution of prison is based on the medical model of care combined with the military model where human beings a stripped of identity and forced to adopt the daily needs of the prison allowing the institution to function the way it’s been designed. Prison is designed in such a way that it inevitably directly or indirectly causes hurt, harm and pain whilst at the same time providing a duty of care under law. Is this not a paradox? How many times have heard the statements ‘I hope he suffers in there’, ‘I hope he gets what he deserves inside’ and not forgetting ‘lock him up and throw away the key’.

Secondly, do we as a society seriously believe that sending someone to prison will sort them out? Growing up, I used to believe this. Even when I was arrested I thought ‘ok you’re going for your tea here Michael at least you’ll be able to get your head sorted’. Ironically, I did by diving head first into academia and studying the very thing is was living. This came at a price though as I had to fight tooth and nail against those inside the prisons who wanted to break me. I’ve been in eight different jails over a six year period and in each and every one there was a time when I contemplated ending it all. I was lucky enough to meet a Listener in HMP Rye Hill who helped me sort my head out (well nearly). The Listener’s Scheme is fantastic if used properly. I eventually became a Listener myself. At one of our monthly meetings with a PO in charge with Safer Custody they stated that we were doing something really good or really bad as we’d had no call outs in five or six weeks. After a bit of rummaging I discovered that the prison had changed its policy and didn’t take the prisoners TV off them when they were put on basic. Go figure! Towards the end of my sentence the pressure was so great, I think I was in permanent state of mental breakdown. For the life of me I don’t know how I made it and I left prison as a ticking time bomb.

Thirdly, getting back to the word ‘mistake’. In Law if someone dies (even in prison) there has to be an investigation. Admitting a mistake means (in simple terms) someone can be prosecuted. One only has to look at what Professor Phil Scraton has done with The Hillsborough Panel in proving the innocence of Liverpool fans. In the context of prison this will normally be The Number One Governor. In order to prevent prosecution of inevitable death in prison policies are created and strictly adhered to. If policy is followed to the letter The Governor cannot be prosecuted. Again, I’ll not go on about previous writings but I will focus on one simple point I may have mentioned to the policy makers of prison health. “How can you expect a person to function as a human being if they can’t get a night’s sleep?” I spent two years researching (and lived under it for four years in Northern Ireland) this so I think I’m in a position to comment. Lack of sleep drove me insane! I met and talked with numerous prisoners who were frightened to come out of their cells in case they exploded. Some often did and they were then put on a charge or an anger management coarse because of the need to maintain good order and discipline of the institution. I pleaded and begged with the powers that be and explained that this policy of waking people up to make sure they were not dead was in fact causing hopelessness, resulting in self harm or suicide. Another paradox?

Fourthly, when one puts ones head above the parapet be prepared for it to be blown off. We only have to look at what’s happening to Faith Spear to understand how the institution closes ranks and attempts to destroy the integrity of the person highlighting a problem. After all, the institution cannot and will not admit to wrongdoing as this brings back in the word ‘mistake’ and prosecution in law. My heart goes out to Faith and I will continue to support her. However, my fellow bloggers and I may say “welcome to my world!” What I’m getting at is that it takes years of practice to avoid punishment on the inside whilst trying to make a stand against the institution. The affidavits in my judicial review are testament to the lengths that the institution will go to destroy ones character thus proving them right. This is why and always will be why those who come into prison to help people become better citizens have to watch their backs. I’ve seen and been party to it in every single prison I’ve stayed in. One perfect example was of a very renowned and respected academic was asked to do some research by the prison. The findings did not shine a good light on certain aspects of the regime. The person was then told they were not welcome back. Personally, I’m regarded as a troublemaker and it has taken me years to build a rapport with officialdom. I simply state that I want to save lives.

Finally, I have to ask ‘what are we going to do about it?’ I’ve spoken privately to several of my fellow bloggers and realised I was not alone. We have all suffered and are indeed still suffering some form of mental breakdown after prison. We are all strong willed and determined individuals who don’t want to see young men and women die in prison. Individually, we contribute to Journals, research and with officials within the institution. Imagine what we could do if we all got together? There are alternatives to prison and there are alternative courses that can be delivered who treat people as individuals. My Prison SMART course being a prime example. We are only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard it said often that the institution of prison is like a massive ship, being from Belfast I have to say look what happened to the Titanic.

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To Oblivion and Beyond

“Panic attack – sudden onset of intense apprehension, fear, or terror that occurs without apparent cause. A panic attack is diagnosed based on the occurrence of at least four physical (somatic) or psychological symptoms. Physical symptoms may include shortness of breath, palpitations or accelerated heart rate, chest pain or discomfort, choking, dizziness or faintness, trembling or shaking, sweating, nausea, abdominal distress, numbness or tingling, and hot flashes or chills. Psychological symptoms may consist of a smothering sensation, a feeling of unreality, a fear of dying, and a fear of “going crazy” or losing control. The intensity of panic attacks is variable, ranging from severe to relatively mild, and most attacks last about 10–15 minutes. There are three different types of panic attacks, known as situationally bound (expected to occur in specific situations), situationally predisposed (may or may not occur in specific situations), and unexpected. Thus, a panic attack does not necessarily precede or follow a stressful situation.”

Yesterday was beautiful day here in Northern Ireland and I was determined not to waste it. After an early morning session at the gym followed by my Kriya (breathing exercises) I headed down the coast, had a quick coffee with my Mum before heading off to the beach for a stroll and then driving down to Donaghadee to sit on the harbour wall and watch the guys fishing. I checked out a few of the local bars on the off chance that a couple of friends might be out and about. No beer was going to be involved as I was driving. No joy.

As I headed back to the car I felt the trembles start deep down and I knew what was coming next. Normally, believe it or not, driving calms me but as I hit Hollywood I was in full blown panic/anxiety mode with that old insatiable friend of seeking oblivion. I wanted to consume as much drugs and alcohol as possible and nearly stopped at the nearest bar to quench the beast that often haunts me. I fought it with all the tools that I had at my disposal and managed to get home safely.

It had not subsided and the easiest cure would have been to nip down to the off licence for a few beers. Again, I fought it. I stripped off down to my shorts and headed to my lovely secluded back garden with a blanket, pillow, phone and headphones. I spent a whole hour and half listening to meditations (two in a row) and Mantra’s/Chants via my Sattva App –

This horrible feeling of seeking oblivion left me during one of the chants and I felt my heart slow down and my breathing got back to normal. All I could think of at the time was Martin Sheen in ‘Apocalypse Now’ when he got smashed in the hotel room, pouring whiskey down his neck and not knowing where he was. I know that feeling all too well and I’m determined never to cross that line again.

During my six years in prison, to combat this, I took Beta Blockers. They worked but left me in a permanent sort of fugue. In my efforts for better health over the past few years and to stop taking tablets I’ve knocked the Beta Blockers on the head and relied solely on the natural remedy of breathing. It’s not easy but it does work and doesn’t have any side effects.

I’ve tried to rationalise imprisonment and its affect on those of us who have experienced it. I’m still at a loss but what I do know is that it has nearly killed me on several occasions during and after. The stripping of identity where one becomes a ‘non person’, the pettiness and psychological warfare of the institution fuelled at every juncture by institutional need only exasperates and exposes any weakness a body may have.

My early blogs describe the trauma of release and coping with life after prison and I vividly recall the fear of the real world. As I type this now, I realise that after three years it has not left me. The thing is, I’m not alone. I’ve been, hesitantly, compiling a paper for a journal whereby I combine the blogs of previous prisoners (with my own) of life after prison and a common thread is already starting appear. Panic/anxiety attacks and depression feature heavily.

I’m also compiling a presentation about Prison SMART with the view to delivering it to universities and government. Who will listen? I’ve listened to so much crap over the years it leaves me breathless. Is this a trigger for my own anxiety? I don’t know and to be honest I’ve given up trying to figure out what the causes are. I was listening to Professor David Wilson interview Noel ‘Razor’ Smith last night and it dawned on me that there is no one answer in mainstream prison.

This might be obvious to most academics in criminology and psychology out there. The constant is prison. Prison is the one true constant that has surpassed history via global and industrial change, survived in society via endless shift in government and sits as the bedrock for nearly all human failings of an alleged civilised society. Why on earth do we believe this? What can we do to change it? The answer for me is in each and every one of us. Learning how to get rid of the desire for revenge and cause as much hurt to someone who harms us is top of the list. I know a lot of people might think it’s all airy fairy and that perhaps it’s ‘not my problem’. I’ve listened and read enough for now and I’m going to do my very best to make a difference. Is this out of self interest and getting my fifteen minutes of fame?

The answer is no. I simply do not want anyone to feel how I felt yesterday because they did something wrong, that they feel so bad that they go back to their old ways or at worse decide to get rid of the pain for once and all. I’ve got to go now as my daily exercise beckons and I’ve got a bit of running around to do with my Dad. So, even though I don’t have the answers I’ll do my best to create some and leave you with a little thought.

“If people get sick, we take them to the hospital and give them the right medicine to get better. If people’s behaviour is sick, we bring them to the prison, but we forget the medicines.” – Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

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