Time Served 19/06/2103
Slept well, but still tired. Think it might be a long day…There is no urgency, no mad panic, no great excitement or anti-climax. It’s another day like any other. The sun will rise the sun will rise, the sun will set, haven’t made home, not there, not quite, not yet … as you can probably guess a poem was created. This morning will, no doubt, consist of much nodding of head and smiling through clenched teeth at and with my care and appreciation society. ‘Don’t be comin back’, ‘see you next week’, ‘look forward to seeing you again’ and ‘thank god your going’ are only few of the comments already made; they say it with an egotistical sanctafuckinmonius bastard grin. Fuck em! Secretly they want you to come back, ensuring pensions and proving them correct in the process. I’m staying clean out of spite! I haven’t got it wrong. I am not vengeful. I do not even hate. What I despise is the wrongness of it all – the waste. This prisoner/officer relationship is a complete and utter sham. As soon as we/they enter these gates the merry fekin dance begins. No, I will not moderate my language, I’m gettin mad again… They don the cap of arbiter of justice/pound of flesh taker, one aged officer said to me “oh, your back to being your own man again.” Do you really believe that you arrogant fuck? I’ve always been my own man – just not in front of you – the screw. I don’t like using the term screw, derived from the turning up or down of the treadmill in Victorian jails like Brixton.
Life in prison is a continual implied threat but it’s worked for me and I’ve said it before “I die before I set foot in one of these places, as a captive, suicide is my only option.” This fear will always hang over me so you have done your job well, your duty of care and ethos of ‘people change people’ couldn’t be more true. You have turned me into a traumatised man, suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom and who fears, not to be confused with hate, authority. “My own man” indeed; what a sorry, sorry man.
Still, time to move on, sing my song, peddle my ware. You see? As my mood lightens my heart sings and I jump from Grrrr to Woooo Hooooo, poetry and love. A girl/friend asked recently asked me ‘what do you miss the most?’ It took me only a second, ‘Love’ I replied. I’ll be be doing just that when I leave here in an hour or so.
06.00 “Ramble On” as promised, playing full tilt on headphones. Thanks Led Zep – “The time has come to be gone.” Wow, now I’m fuckin buzzin. Woo fuckin hoo, yes, yes, yes, yes here we fukin go – my emotions implode and explode and the simultaneous floods of tears and laughter and anger, relief, sorrow, relief, letting it go, letting it all fuking go, go, go , go, go fucking go. AAgghhhhh!!! I think there will be plenty of that today and plenty of exclamation marks during this particular day! Just performed another little ritual – through my razor I’ve had for six years in the bin – never want to feel that weight as I look in the mirror and at a new day, I don’t actually want to be reminded every day. Everything I relied on in here has been binned…
07.00 It’s still deadly quiet, I’m all set, sitting with the headphones on the pillows so as not to disturb my fellow rats. Nothing matters, everything becomes simple. Fuck it, fuck them, fuck everyone and everything to do with this. I’m cool and not nearly as excited as I was this time last year – first home leave after five years – as being out at the weekend and coming back for one night is a pretty good idea.
08.40 Goodbyes have been said, hugs exchanged, false promises and merry dances made. “Michael Irwin Time Served” blasts out form the intercom. Here we go, one of my fellow cons shouts “Mickey their calling for you over in the office.” Really, don’t you think I know this! He meant well. The officer taking the two of us to reception kindly reminds us that if our rooms have not been cleaned we will be held back until twelve. Don’t even acknowledge this persons existence. We get in and tow of the officers I know and get on with so it’s going to be cool; apart from the won taking us to the station, ho hum! The Governor arrives and it’s the same who’s been at the heart of my woes. He saves me till last, there’s other lads going out on home leaves and town visits but only two of us time served. He, the Governor says, after I quote my name and number all military like, “that you off then Michael that means we’ll get our heads showered.” I replied “I always thought you were a deluded man Governor.” It got a bit tense but I went through the motions of signing my release papers and was given a brown envelope with my name on it for the social (£74 discharge grant had already been issued) then we were off after an agonising wait in the holding cell, reminded me of the start…
Out the gate and the lads all jump out to meet their families and me and a guy who’s n home leave are taken to the station. I’m given my phone and phone Dad, then Mum immediately. We are half way down the road when the officer asks “will you be back?” I just grunted as I’d no intention of engaging with this man. My fellow colleague says ‘I Mickey’s comin back all right but not how you’d think’ and starts laughing. The officer gets all agitated “what do mean, comin back, what do you mean. Why are you comin back?” In one split second it hit me and I replied “Do you know what? That is actually none of your business.” The officer went to say something and there it was. He was just a man, just a person, a citizen – like me. My fellow human being on home leave said “and bloody right too” and laughed his head off. It was a quiet journey.
The train was sitting on the platform, i ran, the other guy missed it. What happens next you’ll have to wait for. Need to ‘Rise Today and Change This World’ Alterbridge, seriously though, need to go and live, get things done, i’ll be back later, for next installment.